If you are alive, or used to be alive, chances are I probably hate you. Sorry.
If you have an idea, or have ever had an idea, chances are I'll probably hate it. Sorry.
If you have something you love that you want to share with me, in hopes that I'll love it also, chances are I'll probably hate it. Sorry.
It's not that I mean to hate you or whatever it is you want me to like; it's that I am so cynical that all that comes before me becomes the bain of my existence.
Ok, so perhaps I am blowing this way out of proportion, perhaps I don't actually hate you. However, my cynicism(if that is what it is) is really bothering me lately.
It has become a wall between myself and all those that I know. Friends share their favorite movies with me and I find myself wishing I was watching Regis Philbin reading the phone book instead. This feeling carries over all aspects of my life.
It's gotten to the point where I don't feel I can be honest with those around me because I fear they would not be my friends if I were honest about things. I feel like some elitist jerk who thinks eveything I love is the best and anything different might as well be used for toilet paper.
Where I feel the most stress with this issue is in the Church. It's like I have heard every sermon ever preached and nothing moves me. I have grown tired of every song and feel that if I am not satisfied with what the church is offering, then God must really be dissapointed. I have grown bitter with leaders and lay people alike, seeing nothing but apparent selfishness with any disregard for caring for not only our own, but also the needs of our communities at large.
Of course, I am seeing that these issues are not really with others, but with myself. I am the on who is cynical and negative all the time.
I am the one with the problems. I'm pretty sure I am the one who has filled my heart with negativity. Here's to hoping God will begin to empty it.
Am I the only one who is here right now?
peace out,
hersch
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3 comments:
As a good friend told me recently..."It's called transition, my friend." Welcome to the club.
I want to amend my comment a little.
I don't want anyone to think that I think being in transition is cause to make a person cynical. Those are things that have to be dealt with, and I think, Hersch, you know that. Transition is a scary, exciting, tiring and frustrating time, all breeding grounds for cynicism. You've just got to find out how to move out of that.
Hope that makes my last comment a little clearer.
Hey, Hersch...I am not there, but I have been (I am in another kind of negativity now)...I can tell you what was true for me though...that "transition" led to the most profound work that God has done in my life(as of yet; He is soooo not finished)...it makes everything worthwhile, although it may not seem like it when you are actually going through...I had to open myself up to make room for the growth that God wanted in my life...you have already taken the first step in recognzing
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